Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
