Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
