I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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