I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
