i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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