Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
