If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also, beer. Big fan.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
