I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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