Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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