I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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