Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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