can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
