Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
