Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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