did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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