By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
