what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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