I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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