we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
