Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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