Im at strip club and am horny
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
