well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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