Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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