A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
