sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
