Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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