Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The maid of honor just puked.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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