At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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