The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
