The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
