She is in my trunk
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
