loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
