i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
