Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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