a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
