Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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