he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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