Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
