people are starting to question the shark bite story
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We are all done wearing pants today
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
