so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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