well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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