Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
