Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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