she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
