Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
