you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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