I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
