Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
