I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
