Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
4 words: hood of his car
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
