TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
